Directed by Alan “couldn’t
afford Branagh again” Taylor
Starring No one you care
about, except Jaimie Alexander, who is smoking and in my Top 20 for life
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| No poster this time; you're getting Jaimie |
I
realise I have been neglecting this column recently. In my defence, I have a
job at which I must be present every day at 9 am, something that is hard to
stick to if you’ve had a 8/10 damage night leading into it. Naturally, some of
my more zealous friends will say ‘C’mon bro, that’s not how winners roll. Rule
71: No excuses! Play like a champion!’ The truth is, though, even Tucker Max
retired. This shit gets played out after a while.
You
know what else gets played out? All these fucking Marvel movies. These people
have given up, you know. They don’t even shoot locations anymore, just green
screen, and the backdrops they superimpose with their CGI voodoo isn’t even
convincing.
Also
this movie is two hours long and I struggle to think of something that happens
in it other than ‘moderate destruction,’ or characters that I know more about
at the end. I saw a great demonstration recently of why, specifically, the
first three Star Wars episodes smoke pole. An interviewer talks to a few of his
friends, asking them to describe characters from episodes 4-6 in single words.
For instance, Han Solo gets qualified as ‘renegade’ or ‘lothario’ or
‘antihero,’ all of which are spot on. However, these people drew complete
blanks when asked to describe Qui Gon or Amidala. It’s because they’re ciphers;
they’re not real people.
 |
| Solo, on the other hand, is about as real as it gets |
In
fairness, I can describe Thor in single words, but they are words like
‘dutiful’ and ‘humourles,’ which is not the kind of guy I want to hang out with
for two hours when I’m drinking. Lemme give you a hand with this one, Marvel:
Dudes that dudes
want to hang out with when they’re drinking
Jean-Claude Van Damme
The Rock
Louis CK
Snoop Dogg
Stephen Hawking (you will raise an eyebrow at first but imagine the Hawking voice in your head and paste in the following :
‘Dudes,
I’m so ripped I can barely stand. Oh, wait, hahahahahahaha.’
‘I
would offer to be the designated driver… but my wife has the car tonight. Haha,
gotcha again motherfuckers.’
‘Pass
the pretzels please, I gotta get my snack on. ABS, boys. Always Be Snacking.’
‘Keep
the refills coming bro, I’m drinking myself into a black hole tonight. OOHHHHH!’
 |
| Ahhh, classic boozy Hawking |
Marvel
is getting complacent and so are we. These movies are such predictable
financial successes that the studio can afford to procrastinate. Do you realise
Thor and Amidala haven’t banged yet? I bullshit you not; it has been two movies
spread over two years and these cats still haven’t gotten jiggy with it.
Marvel’s all like ‘Meh, we have movie release dates through 2020 – we’ll just
throw it in there somewhere’ and it’s a giant fuck you to anyone with a brain.
See, the thing about Natalie Portman is that I want to see her boobs. As of
right now, the only person we know for sure who has seen them is her French
ballerina husband, which is like God hitting you in the face with a brick. We
need, like, six The Dudes to abide that shit.
It’s
like in Avengers, when Captain
Bromerica comes aboard the Hovering Fury and the camera lingers on
Cobie eye-fucking him for a solid minute and you’re like ‘They’re totally gonna
bang’ and then THEY DON’T. Fuck that noise. I call Chekhov’s Gun on that shit.
If you’re gonna put it in there, use it.
Problem with Marvel execs is they’re like ‘Oh, we’ll use it… three movies from
now!’ and then laugh maniacally before retiring to the nearest janitor’s closet
to snort lines of cocaine off each others’ dicks.
The
villain in this Thor is equally bad.
His motivations for, like, plunging the universe in darkness (which, dudes,
what does that even mean??) are, uh,
he’s evil? I know, I know, you could say the same about Joker in The Dark Knight but Joker is a fully realised character and one of
this generation’s best performances, full stop. In this one, Christopher
Eccleston just puts on a bunch of makeup, leers menacingly, and says stuff like
‘At last we willl destroy the Jedi’ in Dark Elvish, a language they must have
decided to use at the last minute because it isn’t even internally consistent
in the scope of this movie.
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| The problem with Marvel: brawn always beats brain |
You
know what would be better? Seeing Thor fight Eccleston as Dr. Who, that’s what.
And why not super-size and have the rest of the cast speaking Old Norse. Fuck
it. It’s not like what they’re saying matters anyway. The dialogue in this
movie is so goddamn stilted it sounds like Thor and Hannibal Lecter learned
English phonetically for this movie. So whatever.
Damage: 3/10
Boozy rating: 2/10. Fuck you
right back, movie.
Next
week: Bad Grandpa (Surely Knoxville
can cure this movie)
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