Are you ready to get PUMPED UP??!!
You had better be you limp-dicked troglodytes, and all
you haters had better put that Hatorade away because Michael Bay is coming to
town and he knows who has been naughty and who has been nice.
Welcome to 1995 Miami where the only currency is how
PUMPED UP your muscles are. If you are not using your time judiciously to get
Rock Hard then you need to wake up and smell the bacon and think seriously
about where your life is going and how you got to be such a droopy-eyed,
listless jabroni.
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| EXPLOSIONS ARE FOR WINNERS |
Kidnapping is for real people with real muscles. So is
money and biznatches and C-C-C-C-COCAINE BABY so you need to stack all of those
up and sit atop the mound so you can look Arnold dead in the eye when he’s
riding atop his BEASTFUCK MEGAHUMMER.
This is a movie so jacked up that its biceps have
biceps and it’s Marky Marks have Marky Marks. YES YES YES this sumbitch will
straight up strong-arm you into forgetting that The Happening ever happened, which sounds counterintuitive because
language confusion but this movie is about using muscles, not words, so keep on
rocking in the free world.
This movie has so much steroid use in it it’ll make
your pecs hard and your dick soft. That’s called osmosis, whereby the movie
screen is the motherfucking membrane.
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| ANALOGIES GALORE!!! |
Pain & Gain wastes no time
so neither do we. We use the screening as an exercise in getting pumped up by
buying a Rock-sized bag of protein and showcasing it like the suave minstrels
of jackedness that we are. Showcasing it like a pimp superfly jetski on the
Price is Right. $7,995!!!1!!
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| MY PROTEIN!!! |
Then we look at the milk/protein combination like all
those bears must have looked at goldilocks all those years ago before they
shredded her to pieces and put leftovers in the fridge for the next day.
Instead of resorting to those beginner tactics we up
our game by making a protein mix drink that St. Mike himself would call the
breakfast of motherfucking champions. We have in common that we both play to
win, and as we all know winners go home and fuck the prom queen.
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| As you can see, I have put on my winning face |
We make & watch movies about bodybuilding,
explosions, guns, strippers, and the CIA because reading the newspaper is for
fags. The only good scenes in The Room was
when those guys were throwing the football around! FRISCO!
During the screening peeps next to me was all up in my
business, asking me if I’d ever heard ‘Silence is golden,’ whereupon I asked
this Jabberwocky-looking mofo if HE’D ever done hard time. Then I flashed my
neck tattoo and took a dump on the hood of his car. You can’t spell CREATINE
without CREATE fuckfaces.
Oil rules and Greenpeace does other stuff that is NOT
RULING because we said so, so go have a protein shake and forget about all the
seals. Paul McCartney and everybody else would forget about them if they looked
like cockroaches, you can believe that one.
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| KUMITE!! |
Our heroes/avatars fight everything in this movie,
ranging from drugs to the police, to addiction, to inmates and everything in
between except maybe tigers. But fuck it Van Damme has that one covered and he
LIFTS BATHTUBS for a living.
No I can’t stop shouting, cause that’s how I talk!!!
I know it will worry you that there’s a lot of gay
paraphenaglia (spelling catastoptrophe but I don’t core I do alright for
someone who never finished high scholl) in this movie but DON’T WORRY it’s all
part of the plan. Just like the Joker said it was.
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| I'm an agent of chaos, BRRAPP BRAP |
I have to quiet all these voices in my head for the
making to make sense again. Micheal bay, yeah?! Fuck man. You did it again.
There are so many plum-colored cars in this movie fuckin Rod Corddry doesn’t
know which one to ride in!
If your girlfriend asks you to pleasure her this month
just take her to GODDAMN PAIN & GAIN so she can see what a WINNER looks like.
Go big or go home. And that’s not a dick joke like you
think it is. There are enough dick jokes in this movie already that we can’t
touch it with a ten foot dildo. Pluus if we ever had a ten-footer we’d have
bigger fish to fry, am I right mike?
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| BOOM |
YEAH. Trucks, no aliens, no zombies. Wait, maybe no
trucks either but this movie has a turck for a soul so git some git some git
some. fUCk it; le’ts throw the camel in there too!!!
It’s PRO-tein, not CON-tein and that’s an important
distinction for an important person. Nothing you can say about this movie other
than “Go see it”
I swear this movie had better win all the Oscars this
year: actor, director, sound, actor, and all the supporting ones they give to
the hot chick or the fat chick because this movie has both of those hanging out
like a big muscular pair of balls.
FUCK. YES. MUSCLES. CARS. GO JUICE JUICE JUICE
ACTIVATE GO GOGOGO.
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| Revenge of the Selected VRROOOOOM |
