Pain & Gain

Are you ready to get PUMPED UP??!!

You had better be you limp-dicked troglodytes, and all you haters had better put that Hatorade away because Michael Bay is coming to town and he knows who has been naughty and who has been nice.

Welcome to 1995 Miami where the only currency is how PUMPED UP your muscles are. If you are not using your time judiciously to get Rock Hard then you need to wake up and smell the bacon and think seriously about where your life is going and how you got to be such a droopy-eyed, listless jabroni.

EXPLOSIONS ARE FOR WINNERS

 

Kidnapping is for real people with real muscles. So is money and biznatches and C-C-C-C-COCAINE BABY so you need to stack all of those up and sit atop the mound so you can look Arnold dead in the eye when he’s riding atop his BEASTFUCK MEGAHUMMER.

 

This is a movie so jacked up that its biceps have biceps and it’s Marky Marks have Marky Marks. YES YES YES this sumbitch will straight up strong-arm you into forgetting that The Happening ever happened, which sounds counterintuitive because language confusion but this movie is about using muscles, not words, so keep on rocking in the free world.

This movie has so much steroid use in it it’ll make your pecs hard and your dick soft. That’s called osmosis, whereby the movie screen is the motherfucking membrane.

ANALOGIES GALORE!!!

Pain & Gain wastes no time so neither do we. We use the screening as an exercise in getting pumped up by buying a Rock-sized bag of protein and showcasing it like the suave minstrels of jackedness that we are. Showcasing it like a pimp superfly jetski on the Price is Right. $7,995!!!1!!

MY PROTEIN!!!

Then we look at the milk/protein combination like all those bears must have looked at goldilocks all those years ago before they shredded her to pieces and put leftovers in the fridge for the next day.

 

Instead of resorting to those beginner tactics we up our game by making a protein mix drink that St. Mike himself would call the breakfast of motherfucking champions. We have in common that we both play to win, and as we all know winners go home and fuck the prom queen.

 

As you can see, I have put on my winning face

 

We make & watch movies about bodybuilding, explosions, guns, strippers, and the CIA because reading the newspaper is for fags. The only good scenes in The Room was when those guys were throwing the football around! FRISCO!

During the screening peeps next to me was all up in my business, asking me if I’d ever heard ‘Silence is golden,’ whereupon I asked this Jabberwocky-looking mofo if HE’D ever done hard time. Then I flashed my neck tattoo and took a dump on the hood of his car. You can’t spell CREATINE without CREATE fuckfaces.

Oil rules and Greenpeace does other stuff that is NOT RULING because we said so, so go have a protein shake and forget about all the seals. Paul McCartney and everybody else would forget about them if they looked like cockroaches, you can believe that one.

KUMITE!!

Our heroes/avatars fight everything in this movie, ranging from drugs to the police, to addiction, to inmates and everything in between except maybe tigers. But fuck it Van Damme has that one covered and he LIFTS BATHTUBS for a living.

No I can’t stop shouting, cause that’s how I talk!!!

I know it will worry you that there’s a lot of gay paraphenaglia (spelling catastoptrophe but I don’t core I do alright for someone who never finished high scholl) in this movie but DON’T WORRY it’s all part of the plan. Just like the Joker said it was.

I'm an agent of chaos, BRRAPP BRAP

I have to quiet all these voices in my head for the making to make sense again. Micheal bay, yeah?! Fuck man. You did it again. There are so many plum-colored cars in this movie fuckin Rod Corddry doesn’t know which one to ride in!

If your girlfriend asks you to pleasure her this month just take her to GODDAMN PAIN & GAIN so she can see what a WINNER        looks like.

Go big or go home. And that’s not a dick joke like you think it is. There are enough dick jokes in this movie already that we can’t touch it with a ten foot dildo. Pluus if we ever had a ten-footer we’d have bigger fish to fry, am I right mike?

BOOM

YEAH. Trucks, no aliens, no zombies. Wait, maybe no trucks either but this movie has a turck for a soul so git some git some git some. fUCk it; le’ts throw the camel in there too!!!

It’s PRO-tein, not CON-tein and that’s an important distinction for an important person. Nothing you can say about this movie other than “Go see it”

I swear this movie had better win all the Oscars this year: actor, director, sound, actor, and all the supporting ones they give to the hot chick or the fat chick because this movie has both of those hanging out like a big muscular pair of balls.

FUCK. YES. MUSCLES. CARS. GO JUICE JUICE JUICE ACTIVATE GO GOGOGO.

Revenge of the Selected VRROOOOOM