Who could the next Batman be

The cat is out of the bag. In perhaps the most ill-advised move since the announcement of a Point Break reboot (which was just earlier this year – Hollywood is really pushing the throttle on these bad ideas), WB has announced that Batman will make an appearance in the next Man of Steel movie. It’s slated for 2015 and it’s unclear how big a role the Caped Crusader will play in Zach Snyder’s follow-up feature (the original earned a camel dick rating from yours truly at BMC).

What is known: Henry Cavill will be reprising the Superman role, David S. Goyer is back on board as a writer, fanboys are frenetically stroking their shafts, and it’s looking very much like Batman and Superman will go toe-to-toe in this one. The lone proposition there I can get on board with is Cavill, and it’s a lukewarm response at that.

Alas, WB has pushed the full retard button and the role of Batman must be recast. This is upsetting to me because pretty much the only thing I liked about The Dark Knight Rises was that it brought closure to the Dark Knight saga. Chris Nolan had laid down this mammoth gauntlet, and there was a tacit understanding that only a select few (and perhaps none of his generation) could touch this source material again. He had elevated the character and, more importantly, the superhero movie to a level of reverence, and on a much grander, sweeping, epic scale than what I consider to be the second greatest oeuvre in the genre, Unbreakable.

Since I’m a slave to popular trends and, well, everyone else is doing it, here is a list of my picks for the next Batman. Whatever. It’s rainy and I’m bored.

The names hereunder may surprise you. When you consider the most celebrated and iconic superhero performances ever captured on film, they have come from the least likely candidates. Neither Michael Keaton nor Christopher Reeve was a huge star when cast, and neither fit the bill physically. So when I drop the name of some unassuming, middling TV star and you’re like ‘Ben, seriously wtf?’ just think about how straight up imposing Mike Keaton was at 5’9” and 160 lbs and give me benefit of the doubt, okay? Because I know shit.

Adrian Pasdar

Elected on a platform tripling Arkham Asylum's budget

This is my number one draft pick right here. One of those rare actors who everyone acknowledges ‘Yeah, this guy is a hard ass’ without him ever having to lift a finger. Seriously. He is a already a superhero in Heroes, but all he really did in that show was look damn good in a suit and give his younger brother (Milo Ventimiglia as an infinitely stronger superhero) stern talkings to about what an unmitigated fuckup he is. DUDE. Petrelli for President.

  

Let’s also not forget Pasdar’s turn in Season 7 of Burn Notice, in which he is all kinds of jacked up and spends four or six whole episodes telling mercs to clear a path or their shit will get ended in the realest of ways. I don’t think he even fires a gun. He just leers menacingly.

Pasdar is suave, has the dark, brooding thing down pat, and is a legit good actor. His Bruce/Batman would rule to the end of time. He’s pretty much too good to be in whatever this movie will turn out to be. Nothing that Snyder has up his sleeve can be as good as Pasdar in this role.

Tahmoh Penikett

Tahmoh is my go-to actor for pretty much any action role that needs doing (cept Bond). Tahmoh is a god among insects.

For starters: he is a beast. The guy is 6’3”, probably 210 (but could easily go up to 225) and an accomplished muay thai practitioner. The fights scenes he has performed on camera have been a shit-ton more convincing than that keysi mumbo jumbo Nolan opted for, not to mention every second movie these days. Who’s ever heard of this bullshit? Keysi sounds like a cheap pornstar name. Tom Cruise does it in Jack Reacher, and you know what else Tom Cruise does? Dudes up the ass. Muay thai is for baddasses like Tony Jaa and Van Damme. You can say what you want about The Quest and the Muscles from Brussels himself, Van Damme has done enough cocaine to kill a family of large barnyard animals as well as three-quarters of Motley Crue.

Let’s not forget that wherever Tahmoh shows up, he is the dark horse. He played the Fox Mulder role in Dollhouse, if Mulder were less of a geek and more of a Terminator. And, sure, the Adama family rules the roost up on Battlestar Galactica but let’s be real: who does everyone wish they could be in this show? Team Agathon, baby. Team Agathon will sledgehammer your nancy ass.

And then some, fracker.

 

The only strike against him is that he already played a bit part in Man of Steel, but a) blink and you miss it; and b) there are myriad examples of actors who played multiple roles within one SF universe, so this should hardly be a problem.

And perhaps Tahmoh’s strongest asset: he has that Mike Keaton glint in his eyes that tells you he could snap at the push of a button. That devil-may-care quality about Keaton’s performance is something that people sadly tend to forget, and that has been absent from the Batman franchise since he retired the cape. Of all the Batmans, I maintain Keaton was the most frightening, because you feel his screws are just barely tighter than the criminals he’s chasing. Not only is he the sole Batman who full-on kills people, but he does it in such ingenious, vicious, horrific fashion. He murders baddies in ways that will guarantee they shit their pants first. And not just a coffee break shit. A nice, big, spicy Thai Express Special shit. That’s the Batman I want to see again and that I’m convinced Tahmoh can deliver.

Also: Canada. Boom.

Wes Bentley

He's the best piece of ass in three states

I don't feel there's much to say about this one. If he manages to bring even half the unhingedness of his real life into the movie, we'll have a real show-stopper on our hands.

Jai Courtney

The first thing you might say is: who’s Jai Courtney? And when I explain, your next question might be ‘Really??’ And, well, yes. Really. He rules.

Plus, what would be your counterarguments?

1. He’s too young.

Bale was only three years older when he was cast.

2. He doesn’t have the voice for it.

Audio engineering and, also, that’s a stupid reason.

3. Not tough-looking enough.

QED

The opposite ends of his mandible are in different time zones. He looks plenty tough. Also, none of us actually believes that Tom Cruise could have beaten his ass in Jack Reacher. The only reason why Tom Cruise beats his ass is because Tom Cruise bought the rights to the franchise so that Tom Cruise could beat whoever’s ass Tom Cruise wanted to beat on any particular day. Because he needs to puff out his chest every few years. Because he takes it from dudes.

That’s it. Four candidates. How many more do you need? Realistically, you only need one and there’s no way in tarnation that Zach Snyder can come up with better. In fact, if any of you have Snyder or Goyer’s e-mail address, let me know and I’ll go see them and have a little pow-wow. A little schmooze between Jews, you know?

Oh, fuck, and Malkovich.

John Malkovich

To be fair, this movie will probably be a joke so fuck it: let’s have a joke Batman in there.

Got thoughts? Leave comments.