Pacific Rim

Directed by Guillermo del Toro

Starring Charlie Hunnam, Idris Elba, Rinko Kikuchi, Charlie Day, Max 'Dirty' Martini, Robert Kazinsky, Clifton Collins Jr., and Ron Perlman.

I’ve been thinking of bringing back the Boozy Movie Chronicles for a little while now, and there seemed like no better way to do it than giant alien sea monsters vs. giant robots. Read back that value proposition in your mind: ‘Giant alien sea monsters vs. giant robots.’ Guys, it’s like they custom-built a movie to get drunk at.

I went to see it with old high school friend Ben, whose movie-boozing prowess I may have doubted initially. That is, until he came out with this nugget: ‘Hey, so, this movie is like a Japanese monster flick so shouldn’t we pound sake the entire time?’ I felt almost personally offended by the infallibility of his reasoning and how much more mentally prepared he was. He may as well have pulled out a lightsaber and said ‘Your powers are weak, old man.’ What a champ.

Pacific Rim runs on comic book logic, which in terms of balls-to-the-wallness is second only to Charlie Sheen logic. This entire 140-minute fare exists only to justify FX shots of Optimus Prime slugging Godzilla in the face with various large pieces of metal. Of course, to have a single monster fighting against a single robot is (as Brett Ratner would have put it) for fags, so the screenwriters lift the plot directly from Ninja Turtles and put an inter-dimensional portal in the middle of the ocean. Progressively bigger and badder monsters keep emerging from it so humankind, naturally, keeps building bigger and badder giant robots like it’s some kind or inter-galactic dick-measuring contest.

Just pause on that one. Can you imagine a movie getting off to a stronger start?

Yeah, me neither.

Talking about the plot of this movie is like discussing the lyrics in a Hendrix song. The movie itself is a shell, and it feels like the producers kept coming back to the screenwriters saying: ‘Guys, we need more story here.’ And about three hours and two bottles of Jack Daniels later the writers said to themselves: ‘Optimus Prime punching a giant alien crab a bunch of times counts as story, right?’

In stark contrast to last week’s Man of Steel, Pacific Rim knows exactly the kind of movie it is and embraces its nature fully. Plus Pacific Rim is basically two-hours of money shot. It doesn’t need a fluffer; it straight up delivers on every level. It cleverly circumvents the B-movie dilemma of ‘How do we make Guy A or Guy B stand out in this movie?’ by simply making everyone and everything in it rule hard.

I'm telling you, that thing is super-glued on

• Charlie Hunnam is a solid leading man who delivers even the most cheeseball lines with such assuredness you have to respect him.
• Idris Elba has the Bill Pullman role, only funnier, more street cred, and I’m pretty sure he’s wearing a giant fake moustache for the entire movie so of course he gets about twice as many close-ups as anyone else.
• Three-armed, jetpack-powered, knife-wielding Chinese giant destruction robot? Check.
• Charlie Day as one of the world’s leading biologists? Sold.
• Australians vying to prove their Australianess by having the biggest testicles around (and succeeding).
• Ron Perlman has no reason to exist in this movie other than he’s Ron Perlman. Hellboy 4 life.

At one of the movie’s pivotal moments, Max Martini encapsulates Pacific Rim’s MO in a single line: ‘We can either sit here and do nothing or grab those flare guns and do something really stupid.’ The movie knows exactly when and how many times to push the Full Retard Button. 

Not always the best idea, but invariably the most tempting one

 

There’s a point at which the only way forward is for the movie to go full retard and Rinko Kikuchi literally presses a big red button that may as well have ‘full retard’ written on it. It’s glorious.

To wit, here are some counter-examples of movies that press the Full Retard Button too many times or cannot back it up:

The Matrix sequels

Ghost Rider

Paycheck

Die Another Day

Gamer

Identity

Be Cool

I don’t know really where I’m going with this review; I’m still sorta drunk from last night. Just go see the movie and if I’ve missed anything leave it in the comments or whatever.

Damage: 7/10 (pre-movie: 100 ml Stoli vodka; during: ½ bottle Sawanotsuru deluxe sake) – Yes, I realise that usually wouldn’t warrant a 7/10, but I’ve been on heavy medication for the last three months which has had serious impact on my drinking abilities

Boozy rating: 8/10 (loses one point for not having Van Damme in it and one point for not having enough screaming civilians or boobs)

Next week: The Wolverine