The Avengers

Directed by Joss Whedon

Starring Fuckin everybody

A long time had been spent in anticipation of this film. I had waited for the DVD releases of Captain A, the Hulk, Thor, and did not drink my way through either of the Ironmans, much to my chagrin. When Downey and I hang out he still shakes his head at me in disappointment. And I try to tell it from my side, like:

Ben: No, but seriously it was a matinee and there were kids there and stuff.

Bob: So? Did having kids around ever stop Michael Jackson?

Ben: Yeah, fair point.

Hugely saddened was I to learn that movieboozer Martyn would not be attending this week’s session. I was happy to have guest moviegoer Cedric joining me, but he does not drink at the movies. He eats popcorn like a normal person.

I remained relatively sober for the screening of this film. Good thing too: not only did I still derive pleasure from the action sequences and appreciate how huge all of the actors looked, but I also understood The Avengers as the racist parable it clearly is.

Hollywood racism has essentially existed forever, in varying degrees of covertness. That is, until about 10 years ago when a couple of Kiwis decided to go pretty balls-out, Klantastic with the moviemaking. LOTR was a mess, back-to-front. Gandalf the White? Huh, what? All the orcs and Uruk-hai are dark-skinned, aren’t they? C’mon people, look at the elves. Just look at the fucking ELVES.

Where are the black elves at, eh? Hebrew Hammer and Bad Santa both had black elves with only about 5% the budget. Just give Will Smith, Danny Glover, and Tiny Lister some wigs and let them go to work. Best elf posse ever, I say.

Anyway, since 2001 it’s pretty much been open season for big studios to do whatever they want at the expense of whatever minority (except for the Jews, who nobody can fuck with anymore because we have Jon Stewart AND Krav Maga and we’ll break your shit off; seriously, test us). Because Joss Whedon is behind The Avengers and he’s a clever bigot a lot of the stuff in here is subtle and he figures it’ll just go below the radar and seep into moviegoer subconscious. Of course, he didn’t consider that I would be sober and when I’m sober I have superpowers too. Like seeing straight through all your racist bullshit, Joss Whedon.

Let me start by saying there’s only 1 (one) black person in this movie and he’s handicapped. That’s just rubbing salt in the wound. It’s a clear jab since Nick Fury is meant to be white but clearly some Marvel Studio exec was like: “Hey, wouldn’t it be funny if we added a black guy who had useless superpowers like having watermelons for hands??!!” And Joss Whedon was like: “No. You’re an idiot. But I’ll think of something else.” And then Joss Whedon decided “Ok, let’s just make that useless crippled guy black for no reason and, to add insult to injury, let’s force the most virile, respected, hard-working, and highest-grossing black actor in Hollywood to play him.” And behold, Sam Jackson was blind and useless. Seriously, if you remove him from the film: same outcome. That’s racist.

Has every reason to be an angry douche.

Loki is the villain in this film and you could make the argument that because he’s Asgardian it’s fair play. Only he isn’t Asgardian; he’s a Frost Giant. Folks discover this in Thor and guess what happens. Yeah, he gets exiled. This guy Loki is just standing around, minding his own business, when suddenly his own people are all up in his grill like: “Um, well, we know you’ve been here since infancy but as it turns out you’re not a white dude like the rest of us so we’re gonna have to deport your sorry blue ass.” And yeah, they actually FUCKING DEPORT HIM. That’s racist. No wonder he’s angry.

And then, really, this entire Avengers movie is about Loki crossing into Earth’s realm without a visa or any kind of official papers, reaping the fruits of American labour, and then getting all his buddies over the fence until we’re outnumbered. If Joss Whedon wants to make a 2-and-a-half-hour allegorical film about border issues he should at least have had the balls to cast Danny Trejo as Loki. Or that guy Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite.

Scar-Jo is Natasha Romanoff, a former Russian spy who has about six lines in the movie, three of which are: “I have red in my ledger. I need to get it out.” Get the Red out?! Duh, Soviets. Racist.

Those space creatures that try to destroy NYC at the end of the movie are clearly the fucking Chinese. They swoop down from the sky Red Dawn-style in huge numbers. They have superior technology, all look the same, and their boss monster… c’mon folks.

That’s racist.

The clincher, for me, is when Captain America gets worried that his star-spangled suit will be “a little old-fashioned” and S.H.I.E.L.D. agent Phil Coulson reassures him that “people might just need a little old-fashioned.” Nice one. You know what else was old-fashioned? Slavery.

 SHAZZING! Schooled you, Whedon.

So what have we learned, in a nutshell, from The Avengers? Fuck immigrants, we deport them. Fuck the Soviets; we know the Cold War is over but they can eat shit. Fuck the Chinese too, for that matter. There’s too many of them and they have bad teeth. Fuck all blue people like Frost Giants and Smurfs and those tall dudes from Avatar. Because America needs to be protected from the forces of evil. Fuck yeah.

I feel like I saw this movie eight years ago. Only with puppets. Pretty sure Sam Jackson was in that one too, actually.

Damage: 1/10 (70 ml babička wormwood vodka)

Boozy rating: 1/10 (WTF Joss seriously)