Worst boozy movie ever

Directed by Rian Johnson
Starring Bruce Willis, JGL, Emily Blunt, Bruce Willis, Jeff Daniels, Pierce Gagnon, Bruce Willis, Piper Perabo, and Bruce Willis

***
Minor spoiler alert: I will discuss a few plot points of the film that you probably could have guessed would be in there if you’ve read anything about it. However, if you wish your slate to remain completely blank you should probably skip this review.

I also spoil Signs but whatever.

****

Despite sporting a huge (intermittent) boner for this film over the past 3-4 months, I have to say Looper is just about the worst boozy movie I’ve ever watched.

It is not meritless as a film. It does have redeeming qualities, but sadly only one of them makes the film any easier to bear when you’ve been drinking. (I will discuss this redemption later)

Having read and heard only positive things about Looper, I went in totally psyched. I equipped myself with a cold bag, some ice, lemon slices, and a bottle of Bruce Willis vodka, entering the movie theatre with a healthy strut in my step. Also, can I say that by owning his own vodka, a firearms arsenal, schtupping Demi Moore (in the 1980s and 90s!), exclusively dating lingerie models since his divorce, and grossing over $3 billion in North America alone Bruce Willis is officially the biggest baller in the history of the universe. Seriously, Jay-Z could take fuckin lessons from this guy. 

And then some.

Right, the movie. The movie starts with some voiceover exposition/explanation about how time-travel is invented in the late 21st century and immediately outlawed, relegated to shady, clandestine use by only the largest criminal organisations. When they need to carry out a hit, they whisk a bound, hooded victim back 30 years. A specialised assassin (or “looper”) executes them and disposes of the body the moment they materialise in the past. To eliminate all traces of these hits, loopers are sooner or later forced to unknowingly execute their future selves, who are sent back through time along with a large sum of gold to usher in the looper’s retirement.

This system, of course, makes zero sense, since it would be miles easier to zap people back to the 1870s when a) gold had more value; and b) all your hitmen would die of natural causes over two centuries before they posed a threat to your criminal organisation. Or, shit, better yet transport them back a few hundred thousand years because I don’t care how tough JGL is, he’s not as badass as this fuckin guy.

And if you outrun him you're still Cretaceously fucked.

 

But by this point I’m already drunk so whatever. Bruce Willis shows up as JGL's future self, only unmasked. JGL recognises the man in front of him, hesitates, and before he knows it Bruce gets the upper hand (becasue OF COURSE HE DOES), escapes, and the mob is after them both.

I go along with things because Jeff Daniels makes a lot of his small role, JGL is a strong leading man, and Piper Perabo takes her gear off in this movie, which held my motivation to watch for at least another 20 minutes. There’s some time-travel intrigue, a few cool action set pieces wherein Bruce Willis ruins everyone’s shit, and then Looper proceeds to suck huge amounts of camel dick for a full hour-and-a-half.

The narrative of this film arcs in such a way that it kills all momentum about halfway through. Looper just slows down to a crawl. There’s about 30 minutes of movie in there that doesn’t need to exist, followed by the most anti-climactic ending since Signs. (Seriously, Night. Water is the second most abundant molecule in the universe; what the fuck were you thinking?)

It also turns into a kid’s movie. Although he’s nowhere in any of the trailers, this goddamn kid shows up out of the blue and gives the movie a totally new slant.

Of course, proponents of the films are all hysterical like “This Pierce Gagnon kid is a revelation! Breakthrough performance of the year!” but seriously those people can go suck an egg. I didn’t sign up for this. The title card says Looper, not The Mighty Ducks. I bring the vodka, Bruce brings the pwnage. That’s been the covenant for three decades running and it’s worked out just fine. Plus this kid spends half of his screen time being a shrill asshole, which may have threatened to upset my drunk if, of course, I remembered anything about seeing this movie.

Well, okay, I do remember one thing about the movie, and only because it’s the film’s only redeeming quality. It’s almost as if Rian Johnson realised towards the end of shooting “Hold on just a second… this movie sucks camel dick.” and so he tried to alleviate the camel dick-sucking by throwing in a superfluous but nut-bustingly awesome scene of Bruce Willis going around a building killing everything that isn’t Bruce Willis.

Having drank over half a bottle of Bruce Willis vodka at this point, my natural inclination was to fully embrace The Stupid, yelling “YEEEAAAHHH!! BRUCE WILLIISSSSSS!”at full volume, then repeating this every time he killed another volley of guys (in case people in the next theatre had not figured out how much I love Bruce Willis). 

But yeah no amount of Bruce Willis vodka or Bruce Willis love can save this movie.

Boozy rating: 1/10

Damage: 9/10 (pre-movie: 70 ml Stolichnaya Elit vodka; during: 350-400 ml Bruce Willis vodka)

Next week: Taken 2