Directed by Seth MacFarlane
Starring Mark Wahlberg, Mila Kunis, Giovanni Ribisi, Seth MacFarlane, and Captain Jean-Luc fucking Picard
Being a kid and being drunk is basically
the same thing. Your motor skills are rudimentary, attention span short,
impulse control severely limited, situational awareness essentially nil, and,
if you’re a particularly shitty kid/drunk, you piss yourself.
In a sheer genius move, Seth MacFarlane
has done some of the best genre-melding in recent memory. With Ted, he has crafted a kid’s movie for
drunken grown-ups. It evokes all the magic, excitement, and wonder of a kid’s
movie about a stuffed toy coming to life, but at the same time mainly contains
scenes of the titular teddy bear getting faced, bending chicks over vegetable
crates, and telling everyone who isn’t Marky Mark to get fucked. And in the
same way that you wanted to be friends with the Genie from Aladdin when you were young, you’ll also probably find yourself
yearning to sit down on the couch next to Ted and Marky Mark, fire up a fatty,
drink brewskies, and have arguments about trailer trash nomenclature.
As children, we all loved animated movies, and
over $420 mil at the box office for an R-rated comedy is evidence their power has
not waned. As a matter of fact, Ted has
out-grossed Ice Age, The Adventures of Tintin, Monsters vs. Aliens, and the original Toy Story. It would be unsurprising if
this kick-starts a whole movement of adult-themed animated films geared towards
wayward twentytoforty-somethings who drink copiously and are chronic
underachievers. It would also be pleasant because then I wouldn’t feel so
alone.
In fact, it’s already given this writer
a lead-in to some creative re-imaginings of the animated pictures of his youth.
Classic
Animated Films as R-Rated Adult Comedies (Because I Like To Dream)
Beauty
and the Beast
When Belle happens upon Beast’s castle
she finds him there hanging out among a herd of bison, for which he now acts as
the alpha-bison.
This will be funny because instead of
being a miserable, morose bastard, the Beast has accepted his fate as a
creature, made the best of it, and has a more liberal attitude towards poontang.
Belle, since she is a female Disney character and is therefore defined by the
man she’s with, tries to coax him out of being herdmaster:
--
BELLE: But don’t you ever dream of being
more? Of going back to the glorious life of lights and magic and dancing that
you once had?
BEAST: Yeah, well, it’s balls that I’ve
had to re-think my entire wardrobe but taking care of the herd has its perks,
hon. You know I can go down to the town veterinarian, tell them one of the
calves is sickly and they give me Ketamine. Honest to Christ. They just GIVE me
fuckin Ketamine.
BELLE: What’s Ketamine?
BEAST: Oh, nothing. It’s totally not an
anaesthetic I just diluted in your fruit juice.
BELLE: What?
BEAST: What?
--
And they could work in humourous
side-plots where Belle laments to the bisons (because, duh, of course they would
talk) about how woefully unloved she is and how she’s completely stumped about
how she might bring Beast out of his cocoon.
--
BELLE: That last rose petal is about to
fall off and it’s like he doesn’t even care. It’s like he wants to live as a
beast forever.
BISON #1: Well of course he does. Dude,
that guy owns the living shit out of everything in these woods now.
BISON #2: For real, this wolf pack used
to hunt our calves and elderly but once Beast took over that all stopped dead
in its tracks.
BISON #1: Yeah, that guy would just go
out super early in the morning and take a huge shit in front of their
wolf-cave. Then, whenever one of the pack would come out to examine it he’d
throw Furbies in its direction. The wolf would get all worked up because
Furbies are colourful and wolves aren’t that smart, but just when the wolf was
expecting maybe a fifth of sixth Furby to land, Beast would fling a giant fucking boulder
at it and give it permanent brain damage.
BISON #2: Seriously, this guy lives to
fuck with predators. He’s like the Chris Hansen of the animal kingdom.
BISON #1: Yeah, and you think he’d give
up being the alpha for your narrow ass?
BELLE: Well Gaston, the alpha of our
village, is very congratulatory towards me.
BISON #2: Gay.
BISON #1: Total fag.
BISON #2: With that Steven Seagal ponytail? Hooker, please. Who’s he trying to fool?
--
 |
| RIGHT??! |
Pocahontas
This should just be an animated version
of Guess Who. They can even bring
back Ashton Kutcher, mainly because I have trouble thinking of someone I like
to see persecuted more.
Instead of dinner John Smith has to stay
parked in the village for a few weeks while all the Mattaponi Natives hazed him.
Like, they’d make him hunt water buffalo and boars with some kid’s slingshot or
smoke the peace pipe after they put some industrial-strength PCP in it and then
made him chase his tail until he sobered up and realised he didn’t have a tail.
As comic interludes they could intersperse scenes of Kutch and the Mattaponi
youth getting the munchies and talking shit over some beef jerky.
Plus, like, her pop, Chief Powhatan
would totally be played by Graham Greene and nickname Kutch Wobi Madaondo, which he would go along
with gleefully (as Kutch does) until he found out two-thirds of the way through
that it meant “white devil” and then Graham Greene would laugh at him (as
Graham does) and say “You got Punk’d, fool!”
Snow
White and the Seven Dwarves
Gang bang.
 |
| I mean... was there ever a doubt in your mind? |
Aladdin
Before he has a chance to link up with
the carpet and that blue dude, Aladdin gets picked up by Islamic
fundamentalists who are impressed with his ability to move stealthily and evade
the authorities. Promising to get him off the streets and provide him with more
comfortable surroundings, he is inducted into Taliban boot camp where he learns
a variety of infiltration manoeuvres while simultaneously developing an
indoctrinated hatred of the West.
 |
| Prince Ababwa: not so easy to fuck with anymore |
Meanwhile in Agrabah, the Sultan is
still searching for an acceptable suitor for his daughter, Jasmine. Determined
to gentrify his territory and expand the reach/influence of his empire, he
arranges her marriage to a British business magnate.
Of course this infuriates the Islamic
fundamentalist contingent, as it will dilute and impurify the royal line. They
send their new recruit Aladdin on a stealth mission to sneak into the palace and
murder the magnate in his sleep.
Aladdin slips past palace security,
reaches the royal chambers, and as his dagger is midair and he’s about to go
all “Allah hu akbar!!” on this poor fuckin dude the Princess Jasmine rolls over
in her sleep and he’s like “Dag… this girl is pretty. Imma just have to take this British guy’s place.”
So instead of stabbing him Aladdin
administers a lethal dose of Propofol, skins the guy, and then gets into bed
wearing this dude’s skin. Jasmine wakes up a bit confused because, you know,
there’s blood all over the sheets and stuff but she’s like “Father told me this
might happen when I become a real woman” and thinks no more of it.
Aladdin mimics a British accent and goes
on business-as-usual, nurtures a reluctant friendship with Jafar and that bird
who clearly needs to take a huge dump all the time, and steers clear of any
conversation that might expose him as an imposter. However, by around day 4 his
skin-suit seriously starts to smell fuckin rank because he’s basically walking
around encased in a decaying body (Aladdin has great core strength in this
version) and everyone’s asking questions.
By that point Aladdin has been getting
the royal treatment for a while and has come around to Western indulgences such
as bowling and Tosh.0. He understands
that man has evolved by being adaptable so he settles into this new life,
marries the Princess, and has beers with the pet tiger in the afternoons. It’s
about GROWTH.
THE END
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